Restoring Intimacy
The path to repair within the coupleship is possible. We find that many couples who engage in the
recovery process experience a greater level of intimacy, often more so than before the acting out was
discovered.
There are stages couples typically go through in the process. Initially there is a strong focus on
individual work for both partners in the coupleship. The addicted person begins work to stop the
acting out behavior, and develops tools to maintain sobriety. The support often includes a combination
of individual counseling, recovery meetings, and participation in a group. After the initial phase of
sobriety is done and honesty with self and others begins to occur, the person is often ready to begin
some type of couple’s work. The person that has been betrayed also has his or her own process of recovery.
We find that when the betrayed person participates, he or she has an improved quality of life experience
and the entire family benefits. Sometimes the person that has been betrayed is angry that he or she now
has to do this work when she or he did nothing wrong. That is completely understandable. It can feel
like a punishment to the innocent party. While that is true, he or she did not cause this pain, he or
she is responsible to help promote healing for oneself. Sometimes to help reduce the intensity experienced
we will offer a Therapeutic Separation. This is not a legal separation, and the goal is to help each
person to focus on him or herself without the frequent contact, to promote healing, and then to help
the couple move back together. Most of the time we find that couples are able to make greater strides
within the context of a structured Therapeutic Separation than they could have had they not had this
space.
In the beginning there is often information the betrayed person does not know about the addicted partners
acting out. Many couples choose to participate in a disclosure, this is a structured and therapeutic process
facilitated by the clinicians working with the couple. The goal of the disclosure is to level the playing
field, so there are no more secrets. We then ask the betrayed partner to write a Partner Impact Letter, to
acknowledge and address the ways the acting out persons behavior has impacted him or her. This typically
helps the addicted person to develop further empathy of the pain caused. After receiving and digesting the
impact letter, the addicted person then writes an Emotional Restitution letter to address the ways in which
he or she was deceitful, and further acknowledges that she or he recognizes the pain caused and takes ownership
for the wrong actions.
By this time, a couple has been in his or her own recovery process, and has likely begun some couples work,
to build empathy, work on responding to triggers, and communication styles. Once there is a newly built
foundation, safety is increasing, trust is likely starting to be restored, emotional intimacy is growing,
the question is then around physical intimacy. This of course is challenging with the type of acting out
experienced. We have clinicians trained in guiding couples through Sexual Reintegration Therapy (SRT).
In which couples explore healthy sexuality, functional boundaries, and different types of touch. This
process often has many ups and downs as a lot is experienced in both partners. The focus is on presence,
sensuality, individuation, expression of needs and wants, desires and dislikes, and overall respect, while
overcoming shame, inadequacy, sexual performance, sexual anorexia, and the need to escape. Couples that go through this
process often experience a secure attachment within the relationship, which can provide healing of earlier
family of origin wounds and promotes a greater sense of wellbeing in life in general.
Information
Disclosure Process
Individual Work
Partner Impact Letter
Couples Work
Emotional Restitution
Couples Group
Theraputic Separation
Couples Workshops