Path to Restoring Intimacy
The path to repair within the coupleship is possible. We find
that many couples whom engage in the recovery process experience a
greater level of intimacy, often more so than before the acting out was
discovered.
There are stages couples typically go through in the process. Initially
there is a strong focus on individual work for both partners in the
coupleship. The acting out person begins work to stop the compulsive
behavior, and develops tools to maintain sobriety. The support often
includes a combination of individual counseling, recovery meetings,
and participation in a group. After the initial phase of sobriety is
done and honesty with self and others begins to occur, the person is
often ready to begin some type of couple’s work. The person that has
been betrayed also has his or her own process of recovery. We find that
when the betrayed person participates, he or she has an improved quality
of life experience and the entire family benefits. Sometimes the person
that has been betrayed is angry that he or she now has to do this work
when she or he did nothing wrong. That is completely understandable. It
can feel like a punishment to the innocent party. While that is true, he
or she did not cause this pain, he or she is responsible to help promote
healing for oneself. Sometimes to help reduce the intensity experienced
we will offer a Therapeutic Separation. This is not a legal separation,
and the goal is to help each person to focus on him or herself without
the frequent contact, to promote healing, and then to help the couple
move back together. Most of the time we find that couples are able to make
greater strides within the context of a structured Therapeutic Separation
than they could have had they not had this space.
In the beginning there is often information the betrayed person does
not know about the acting out partners behavior. Many couples choose
to participate in a disclosure, this is a structured and therapeutic
process facilitated by the clinicians working with the couple. The goal
of the disclosure is to level the playing field, so there are no more
secrets. We then ask the betrayed partner to write a Partner Impact Letter,
to acknowledge and address the ways the acting out persons behavior has
impacted him or her. This typically helps the acting out person to develop
further empathy of the pain caused. To better understand the drive behind
the compulsive behavior, and share context and explanation to their partner,
the acting out person will often provide a second level disclosure. This can
be done before or after the Partner Impact Letter. This is followed by the
acting out person writing an Emotional Restitution letter to address the ways
in which he or she was deceitful, and further acknowledges that she or he
recognizes the pain caused and takes ownership for the wrong actions.
By this time, a couple has been in his or her own recovery process, and has likely begun some couples work,
to build empathy, work on responding to triggers, and communication styles. Once there is a newly built
foundation, safety is increasing, trust is likely starting to be restored, emotional intimacy is growing,
the question is then around physical intimacy. This of course is challenging with the type of acting out
experienced. We have clinicians trained in guiding couples through Sexual Reintegration Therapy (SRT).
In which couples explore healthy sexuality, functional boundaries, and different types of touch. This
process often has many ups and downs as a lot is experienced in both partners. The focus is on presence,
sensuality, individuation, expressing needs and wants, desires and dislikes, and overall respect. While
overcoming, shame, inadequacy, performance, anorexia, and the need to escape. Couples that go through this
process often experience a secure attachment within the relationship, which can provide healing of earlier
family of origin wounds and promotes a greater sense of wellbeing in life in general.
Information
Disclosure Process
Individual Work
Partner Impact Letter
Couples Work
Emotional Restitution
Couples Group
Theraputic Separation
Couples Workshops